here now, a random collection of notes written during the summer. (warning: might be a bit heavy on the saccharine nature-lovin' side for some)
around june, a wave of baby cave crickets appeared in the back yard and have been growing up ever since. many succumbed to birds and spiders but many made it to adulthood. every fall and winter some manage to sneak into the basement and hang out indefinitely, even though there's nothing there for them to eat. mom and i really enjoyed the hoppy little things. they look like this, only darker.
...
i'm visiting peru, december 16th - january 15th.
specifically it's my dad's holiday getaway to mancora, a northern peru resort, with his wife, four boys and their significant others.
he calls it a "once in a lifetime" event, but i hope there will be time in his life to do something like it again. he's certainly earned it. for myself, this will be a possible prelude to living in peru for a few months at a time. my desire to do so is based on my embarrassed need to complete my conversational spanish and get to know my peruvian extended family better.
...
i am amused and surprised to see the squirrels clamboring out onto the thin branches of evergreen bushes in order to munch on the tiny fruits they find there (although my botany teacher would probably have hit me over the head for calling them "fruits"). i guess this is understandable as food resources dry up.
i wasn't able to get a great pic, but here you can see a rump and tail peeking out around six feet off the ground.
...
i really liked these two nature-lamps and i'm sure mom would have also: first one. second one.
they appeared in this collection of crazy lamps:
...
here's a little game i had some fun with. i call it the "obfuscated phrase" game.
...
bunny the cat still amazes with her longevity. she's now headed towards her twenty-second year and more than ever she wants to go outdoors in the middle of the night during thunderstorms.
UPDATE: bunny is now living in the basement because john cannot be near her litter box with his immune sensitivity. fortunately, bunny is of a retiring nature, so this has not been a problem. john does feed her in the mornings and i go down at least once a day to visit her and groom her coat. she's doing fine and the basement is not very cold even in winter.
...
one day i was grilling some food and went into the house for a moment to fetch some more cutlets to grill, and when i came back out there was a little finch with it's wings spread out sitting on the grill.
i shrieked and frantically fumbled around for something to rescue it with, trying to decide in a split second whether tongs or spatula would be best to lift it with, but then to my vast relief the bird flew off. what was that all about? nature teaching me an essentual lesson, obviously.
...
here are two more pictures of mom that weren't in the funeral slideshow. i find them both pretty amazing. the first is likely from the hazel avenue house. the second one is probably from peru, around 2004.
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i've now lost 35 lbs since around may. the rate of decrease has been slowing, however, so this may be as far as i can go without exercising more. to that end i am trying to find a second bike i can set up in the house as an exercycle. that would be a much better resource than tennis because then i can exercise without having to go anywhere. you know, so i can collapse without being bothered to return home. :P
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ah, squirrels again. a squirrel mother risks all to protect her baby here. this reminded me of what happened in spring when the squirrel mother came over to rescue her caged child.
another day i was surprised to find a disembodied squirrel tail. i felt sorry for the unfortunate rodent, although i did read that squirrels can detach their tails to escape predators, as several other animals can do.
on the other hand, ever since i found the tail i've been looking for a squirrel without one and haven't seen it. on a side note, i researched the fact that grey squirrels can live a lot longer than i ever realised- around 12 years in the wild and 20 years in captivity. wow.
...
for no particular reason i will now post some basketball pics from a couple years ago. i don't really have the energy to play these days but i would like to get back to it one day if possible:
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i've been using milkcrates for years as a handy carrying and storage medium. they are often available for free in west philly. people put them out on the curb on trash day even though they ought to be saving or recycling them. milkcrates are incredibly sturdy and handy, in case you didn't know.
recently i posed the question "how many milkcrates can a person carry with one hand?" and took a series of photos to demonstrate the results of my experimentation. also included are a description and pics of the bedside monitor swivel stand i built from milkcrates.
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the illness and then death of my mom helped to focus me emotionally, which in turn focused my thoughts, which led to a positive mindset. but now that the grieving time is winding down i consequently feel more scattered and unsure of myself. in fact i am slipping back into my habitual depression and anxiety.
acknowledging this, i've decided to try one of the med suggestions from the asian psychiatrist at the local health clinic. the drug is called "abilify" and was originally targetted for schizophrenia, but over time has apparently been useful for bipolar disorder and depression. abilify is therefore not a slam-dunk for my profile but i want to experiment a little bit and try something other than reuptake-inhibitors since i've traditionally gotten a lot of side effects from those.
as with a lot of things in my life, "we'll see how it goes."
UPDATE: the side-effects were too uncomfortable, so i stopped with my doc's permission. in retrospect, taking fish oil caps during the same period was a recipe for brain pain, not to be repeated for any good reason.
...
getting back to nature, the hummingbirds are gone. they migrated around mid-august.
two or three of them drank flower nectar regularly, and it was an unforgettable experience for me. they were fairly tame little animals and i'm already looking forward to their return next spring.
often when i saw one of these bird-insect hybrids feeding, i felt like i was in the middle of a fairy tale. watching its fragile little self perching on the head of an onion-grass stalk swaying gently in the wind was unforgettable.
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one little test of my ability to concentrate and bring a task to its fruition is my billiards project. i am programming a simple pocket billiards simulation on the PC to be shared in the visual pinball community i've been a part of for six years plus. older picture. recent picture.
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walking out front to the butterfly bushes i can thrust my face into the situation and all the little moths, bees, butterflies and gossamer green flies pay me no mind.
the hulking black bumblebees clumsily go about their work and i'm surrounded by buzzing, humming, hovering creatures.
and when i stop and notice this i sometimes find myself in a sacred space, awkward to describe but never to be forgotten by my erratic human brain.
in this picture it's hard to see the insects but you can get a sense of being in the middle of things. note that the dark shape in the middle is a hummingbird.
...
mom's headstone is finally here.
it's so much nicer to have this focal point that i can direct myself towards. i'm also getting better at addressing her with less trauma about her passing-- just sort of addressing her matter-of-factly about what's happening in my life and in the world. near view. far view.
Sunday, December 7, 2008
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
life after mom, day 90
note: this is a reprint of the july, 21st post from VP forums.
well it looks like i was well-served to move out of my hell-hole of an apartment last month- someone in the building was murdered there this past week. nobody we knew, but obviously very disturbing.
this will actually work to my old roommate's advantage because his parents are willing to take him in for a time while he finds his next job. so all the soldiers have been pulled off the front. so much for west philadelphia.
...
i've gotten a lot of writing done recently, and perhaps due to the nature of the material (philosophy and personal insight) it's gone a long way to alleviate my chronic depression. i'm actually quite reluctant now to begin clinical mood meds and am not sure how to handle this with the agency since my state health care is contingent upon a diagnosis. we'll see how that goes.
...
i'm getting a bit annoyed that my mom's headstone is still not finished. every time i go out to visit her i look forward to having the focal point of a marker to help me commune with her, but the cemetary folks are now about three weeks overdue on that project based on original estimate.
UPDATE: it seems the original estimate was badly off. someone at the funeral home said the correct time frame is 3-6 months. *sigh*
...
john is still waiting on his kidney transplant. he still gets calls and still gives the go-ahead for tissue testing to be done on the kidneys that come along but so far someone has always been ahead on the waiting list to take the desired organ. this process has got him a bit discouraged and i can certainly see why since he's always down the list when good kidneys come along or top of the list when it's a poor-quality kidney. and the length of this whole process becomes a grind.
...
my dad's two brothers and their wives have been visiting the USA recently. on their way from NYC to washington they stopped by philly for a day and i was able to play spanish-speaking host and sightseeing coordinator, things which i am barely competant at. yet all went well, and as a big bonus for me one uncle brought me a brass sapo set all the way from peru. now all i need to do is to build the leather-topped cabinet and the outdoor games can commence!
here are pictures of completed sapo sets.
each player gets 10 fichas (extra-heavy coins) to toss at the frog's mouth from a distance. scoring a "boca" nets huge points and there are other scoring slots that award lesser points.
i haven't done much carpentry in my life so i'm going to have to figure out how to build the sucker. when done, this will be a lovely backyard lounging activity, perfectly suited to time spent grilling and sipping a cold one.
...
speaking of cold ones, i recently cut way down on my alcohol and food consumption and have lost 20 pounds so far. i've also been doing fake kung fu and bogus yoga for relaxation and to balance my chi. as a result of these things and the personal insights made, i feel better and am calmer. that's good when one is generally an anxious person. unfortunately my energy and stamina are still weak due to CFS and i still have the systemic pseudo-arthritic syndrome... but still it's nice to halt the downward spiral from the last few years and actually regain some confidence and self-respect.
...
bunny the cat is hanging in there. with mom not around anymore her coat got tremendously snarled with oil and dirt. it appears that she had stopped cleaning herself due to age and decreased mobility and mom's regular brushings had been overcoming that. i worked on her for four straight days and she still has loads of 'rhino horns' all over her body. so i'm giving her a break (she doesn't like the combings much) and will resume again in a couple days.
...
there have been some small wildlife adventures recently. when the garage was re-worked the builders left some significant gaps near the roofline and it didn't take long for squirrels to move in. over the past year they've been an irritation what with their tendency to run around in the space right above the kitchen. so finally we decided to do something about the matter- the holes were filled in with concrete and i used humane traps to bag four young squirrels in the crawl spaces. the very first one i took outside to release, the mother came all the way out to the cage to see what was happening to her child even though i was right there, too. i was quite touched and impressed by the show of maternal instinct.
here is a sketchy pic of one of them.
of course as cute and as amazingly fun acrobats to watch as the squirrels have been, they'e also been a right pain in the arse in other regards. they worked out ways to get the seed out of the supposedly squirrel-proof feeders, necessitating the addition of a squirrel baffle which so far they haven't sussed yet. and this past week they also seem to have chewed off two out of the four branches on one of mom's saplings, something which had me reaching for the hypothetical buckshot shotgun.
anyway, moving on, the birdfeeder population recently withstood a hostile takeover attempt first by some cowbirds and then by a small gang of grackles. fortunately, adjusting the tension of the feeder spring pretty-much took care of that and let the smaller birds resume their routine, such as the finches, cardinals and titmouses. two new sightings were of a northern flicker (a type of woodpecker) doing some indescribable ritual bird activity on the canopy over the patio table, and of a ruby-throated hummingbird gathering nectar from the flower-bushes in front of the house. perhaps mom had this in mind when she planted those there.
the hummingbird favorites are the lavender-blues in the middle, the lavender-reds in the upper-left, and the peach-ish ones to the right. [picture]
...
i'm still grilling a lot and loving it. this was lunch from the other day- brats, cherry peppers, corn, onions and eggplant. [picture]
...
one little writing project i'm doing now is to do another "one time" anecdote series, prompting others to join in the fun. [link]
...
regarding mom, today is the three-month anniversary of her passing and i still miss her terribly and cry over her loss every couple days, particularly when i encounter some object or project of hers or something related to family history- all clues left behind to a presence and reality that i will never fully understand.
but the form of my grief is changing, somehow. i've stopped closing my eyes and straining to undue reality, or wishing that i could have done any better for mom in her last weeks. this tends to undilute the situation and leave the pure senses of loss and love without the static of other unhelpful emotions.
regarding love, a lot of the love i had for her i didn't even realise was there until after she was gone. i felt guilty about that for awhile, beating myself up for not telling her how much i loved her while she was still alive. but with time comes perspective, and i think both the realisation and the reaction were probably normal and healthy. it's life in operation, i guess. actually what i miss most these days is not mom the mother, but mom the friend. our mother-son relationship never was very smooth but she was a tremendously fun and interesting person to be around and i don't suppose i'll ever stop missing that.
...
that's all the news from lake woebegone, which is everywhere and nowhere and likes to poop in your eye when you aren't paying attention.
well it looks like i was well-served to move out of my hell-hole of an apartment last month- someone in the building was murdered there this past week. nobody we knew, but obviously very disturbing.
this will actually work to my old roommate's advantage because his parents are willing to take him in for a time while he finds his next job. so all the soldiers have been pulled off the front. so much for west philadelphia.
...
i've gotten a lot of writing done recently, and perhaps due to the nature of the material (philosophy and personal insight) it's gone a long way to alleviate my chronic depression. i'm actually quite reluctant now to begin clinical mood meds and am not sure how to handle this with the agency since my state health care is contingent upon a diagnosis. we'll see how that goes.
...
i'm getting a bit annoyed that my mom's headstone is still not finished. every time i go out to visit her i look forward to having the focal point of a marker to help me commune with her, but the cemetary folks are now about three weeks overdue on that project based on original estimate.
UPDATE: it seems the original estimate was badly off. someone at the funeral home said the correct time frame is 3-6 months. *sigh*
...
john is still waiting on his kidney transplant. he still gets calls and still gives the go-ahead for tissue testing to be done on the kidneys that come along but so far someone has always been ahead on the waiting list to take the desired organ. this process has got him a bit discouraged and i can certainly see why since he's always down the list when good kidneys come along or top of the list when it's a poor-quality kidney. and the length of this whole process becomes a grind.
...
my dad's two brothers and their wives have been visiting the USA recently. on their way from NYC to washington they stopped by philly for a day and i was able to play spanish-speaking host and sightseeing coordinator, things which i am barely competant at. yet all went well, and as a big bonus for me one uncle brought me a brass sapo set all the way from peru. now all i need to do is to build the leather-topped cabinet and the outdoor games can commence!
here are pictures of completed sapo sets.
each player gets 10 fichas (extra-heavy coins) to toss at the frog's mouth from a distance. scoring a "boca" nets huge points and there are other scoring slots that award lesser points.
i haven't done much carpentry in my life so i'm going to have to figure out how to build the sucker. when done, this will be a lovely backyard lounging activity, perfectly suited to time spent grilling and sipping a cold one.
...
speaking of cold ones, i recently cut way down on my alcohol and food consumption and have lost 20 pounds so far. i've also been doing fake kung fu and bogus yoga for relaxation and to balance my chi. as a result of these things and the personal insights made, i feel better and am calmer. that's good when one is generally an anxious person. unfortunately my energy and stamina are still weak due to CFS and i still have the systemic pseudo-arthritic syndrome... but still it's nice to halt the downward spiral from the last few years and actually regain some confidence and self-respect.
...
bunny the cat is hanging in there. with mom not around anymore her coat got tremendously snarled with oil and dirt. it appears that she had stopped cleaning herself due to age and decreased mobility and mom's regular brushings had been overcoming that. i worked on her for four straight days and she still has loads of 'rhino horns' all over her body. so i'm giving her a break (she doesn't like the combings much) and will resume again in a couple days.
...
there have been some small wildlife adventures recently. when the garage was re-worked the builders left some significant gaps near the roofline and it didn't take long for squirrels to move in. over the past year they've been an irritation what with their tendency to run around in the space right above the kitchen. so finally we decided to do something about the matter- the holes were filled in with concrete and i used humane traps to bag four young squirrels in the crawl spaces. the very first one i took outside to release, the mother came all the way out to the cage to see what was happening to her child even though i was right there, too. i was quite touched and impressed by the show of maternal instinct.
here is a sketchy pic of one of them.
of course as cute and as amazingly fun acrobats to watch as the squirrels have been, they'e also been a right pain in the arse in other regards. they worked out ways to get the seed out of the supposedly squirrel-proof feeders, necessitating the addition of a squirrel baffle which so far they haven't sussed yet. and this past week they also seem to have chewed off two out of the four branches on one of mom's saplings, something which had me reaching for the hypothetical buckshot shotgun.
anyway, moving on, the birdfeeder population recently withstood a hostile takeover attempt first by some cowbirds and then by a small gang of grackles. fortunately, adjusting the tension of the feeder spring pretty-much took care of that and let the smaller birds resume their routine, such as the finches, cardinals and titmouses. two new sightings were of a northern flicker (a type of woodpecker) doing some indescribable ritual bird activity on the canopy over the patio table, and of a ruby-throated hummingbird gathering nectar from the flower-bushes in front of the house. perhaps mom had this in mind when she planted those there.
the hummingbird favorites are the lavender-blues in the middle, the lavender-reds in the upper-left, and the peach-ish ones to the right. [picture]
![[picture]](http://i170.photobucket.com/albums/u258/nicolasb1966/P1hummingbirdplants.jpg){kind=link}
...
i'm still grilling a lot and loving it. this was lunch from the other day- brats, cherry peppers, corn, onions and eggplant. [picture]
![[picture]](http://i170.photobucket.com/albums/u258/nicolasb1966/P1grilledlunch.jpg){kind=link}
...
one little writing project i'm doing now is to do another "one time" anecdote series, prompting others to join in the fun. [link]
...
regarding mom, today is the three-month anniversary of her passing and i still miss her terribly and cry over her loss every couple days, particularly when i encounter some object or project of hers or something related to family history- all clues left behind to a presence and reality that i will never fully understand.
but the form of my grief is changing, somehow. i've stopped closing my eyes and straining to undue reality, or wishing that i could have done any better for mom in her last weeks. this tends to undilute the situation and leave the pure senses of loss and love without the static of other unhelpful emotions.
regarding love, a lot of the love i had for her i didn't even realise was there until after she was gone. i felt guilty about that for awhile, beating myself up for not telling her how much i loved her while she was still alive. but with time comes perspective, and i think both the realisation and the reaction were probably normal and healthy. it's life in operation, i guess. actually what i miss most these days is not mom the mother, but mom the friend. our mother-son relationship never was very smooth but she was a tremendously fun and interesting person to be around and i don't suppose i'll ever stop missing that.
...
that's all the news from lake woebegone, which is everywhere and nowhere and likes to poop in your eye when you aren't paying attention.
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